Iowa Writes

ERICA
Journals


January 3, 2010*

Dear Journal,
I remember what it was like to tuck my children into bed at night and turn off the lights. To look into their eyes so true, hear them say, "Mommy? Can I sleep with you?" I will never get the chance to make up the lost time to see them grow. I missed Holidays and birthdays and much much more. I've made many mistakes. That I am not proud of anymore. I've written them letters and sent cards. And still no letter back from them in return. I pray to God for their forgiveness and not to be mad at me forever.

***

March 2, 2010*

Dear Journal,
I received a letter today that made me both happy and sad. I found out my daughter, my baby is having sex. I had more trust in her. But I should have paid more attention to my dream when God gave that vision to me. Why did I again not pay attention? I am sorry God I should have listened. Please Lord forgive me for you know the truth and I am such a big Goof and should have had more faith in you. I know it is all my fault for leaving her. If I was still at home I would not have this pain deep down in my heart. I was raped as a child more then five times, Lord you know my past. I tried and tried to tell my mom what was going on. She just did not care. So they took us from her care. Lord, I made another big mistake and I left my kids with her. For I know she doesn't care for them or love them as much as I do. She loves them just because...well you know the truth. Lord I am sorry, forgive my daughter, she does not really understand the sin she has made.

January 3, 2010*

Dear Journal,
I remember what it was like to tuck my children into bed at night and turn off the lights. To look into their eyes so true, hear them say, "Mommy? Can I sleep with you?" I will never get the chance to make up the lost time to see them grow. I missed Holidays and birthdays and much much more. I've made many mistakes. That I am not proud of anymore. I've written them letters and sent cards. And still no letter back from them in return. I pray to God for their forgiveness and not to be mad at me forever.

***

March 2, 2010*

Dear Journal,
I received a letter today that made me both happy and sad. I found out my daughter, my baby is having sex. I had more trust in her. But I should have paid more attention to my dream when God gave that vision to me. Why did I again not pay attention? I am sorry God I should have listened. Please Lord forgive me for you know the truth and I am such a big Goof and should have had more faith in you. I know it is all my fault for leaving her. If I was still at home I would not have this pain deep down in my heart. I was raped as a child more then five times, Lord you know my past. I tried and tried to tell my mom what was going on. She just did not care. So they took us from her care. Lord, I made another big mistake and I left my kids with her. For I know she doesn't care for them or love them as much as I do. She loves them just because...well you know the truth. Lord I am sorry, forgive my daughter, she does not really understand the sin she has made.

***

March 12, 2010*

Dear Journal,

I sent my husband a letter over a week ago letting him know that I was filing for a Divorce. I don't send him that letter to be mean, but to start new. I haven't heard anything from him yet. We told each other to write at least one letter a week. I haven't gotten anything from him yet. I need to know how he's doing and how he's doing. He's still my Dogg. I am starting to think he wants nothing to do with me. I am going to write him tonight and we'll see what happens from that. I miss him very much. My husband drank, he drank as if this was the last days of his life and the only thing he hadn't done was drank. He drank breakfast, lunch, dinner...
Sometimes he drank and came home all beat up not remembering what happened. Sometimes he drank and did not come back home until Sunday night to rest for work and to eat, because he hadn't the whole week he was gone. Sometimes he gets in a crazy mood that I feel there is more then his drinking that makes him act the way he does. I know he sold drugs. But sometimes I believe he was doing them. Me and my kids have been in a place with no light or water if the lights were a drug or the water was a drink of course we would have no problems. When I bring the word problem up he says that I don't have time for it. I ask him. Do you remember what you tell me? Do you remember what you hear people say? DON'T GET HIGH ON YOUR OWN SUPPLY!" My heart knows the truth.
Work was never the case, he kept a job and was there when he had to be there. No sick days for him. It was his drinking, drugs, prison and other women that kept my husband from his family.
I miss him and love him dearly. The liquor he had in that body was more than three liquor stores can hold...drugs... I will always follow my heart.

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About Iowa Writes

Since 2006, Iowa Writes has featured the work of Iowa-identified writers (whether they have Iowa roots or live here now) and work published by Iowa journals and publishers on The Daily Palette. Iowa Writes features poetry, fiction, or nonfiction twice a week on the Palette.

In November of 2008, the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) designated Iowa City, Iowa, the world's third City of Literature, making the community part of the UNESCO Creative Cities Network.

Iowa City has joined Edinburgh, Scotland and Melbourne, Australia as UNESCO Cities of Literature.

Find out more about submitting by contacting iowa-writes@uiowa.edu


ERICA

Erica was a prisoner at the Iowa Correctional Institute for Women when she wrote this piece, which was read during a public performance in Shambaugh Auditorium by the Women in Exile Project.

The Women in Exile Project is a collaboration between the women at the Iowa Correctional Institute for Women, volunteers from the Women's Resource and Action Center, the Women's Archive at the University of Iowa Libraries and the Art Education Department at the University of Iowa. The project has worked with a select group of women at ICIW to publish a series of memoirs and images. The memoirs will become a part of the Women's Archive and the images part of a permanent collection located at the Women's Resource and Action Center.

UI Change Project Blog

This page was first displayed
on March 14, 2011

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